i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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