now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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