There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
