I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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