I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
