My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
