i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
