saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
