How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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