dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
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I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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