im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize