so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
