if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
