my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
