he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
