I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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