So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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