if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So drunk its hurt
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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