i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
