Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
