I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
