I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
