So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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