Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
