I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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