All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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