took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
