i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
