Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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