you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
