I just cut my nipple shaving
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
