Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
