I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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