Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
