so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
