$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
