Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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