Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
