YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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