I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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