Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
