I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
is that a dick in a sweater?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
