i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
