1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
