She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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