I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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