Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This couple is walking their pig around campus
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
