Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
