WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
