Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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