the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
