i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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