can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
